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Control & Attention
===================

This isn't an email about what should or shouldn't be done about
COVID-19. I don't have a hot take. I don't want to pile on to your
anxieties.

What I do wanna say is that right now I'm feeling a sense of loss of
control, and I think a lot of people are. Yes we all have our role to
play in limiting transmission of this virus, but we can't control most
of what's happening. We're worried about our inability to protect
vulnerable people we love, or disgusted at China's disregard for human
life, or angry at our own bungling (Australian) federal government, or
mystified about the source of our future income, or frustrated with the
wildly varying knowledge and reactions of public, family or friends,
etc. etc.

About a year ago I was in hospital for a while. There was a mass in my
liver that had been making me progressively sicker for years,
culminating with me getting sepsis. There were solemn conversations with
the doctors about liver transplants and cancer. After about a month of
remaining in hospital and having various tests I had a surgery where
they cut out most of my liver. There was a small chance I would not wake
up, then another small chance the remaining liver would fail in the days
after. They wouldn't know if the mass was cancer until it was later
analysed. (It was not cancer, and spoilers, I lived.)

In a situation like that there's very little under your control. It's
absurd to read over the details of a consent form when the alternative
to agreeing is death. But something that gave me some solace was
focusing on some small things that I could control: I could make sure to
watch the sunset each day, or if I couldn't leave the bed, at least
watch the light change. I could control where I put the plastic chair to
watch the light move through the leaves. I could control the music I
listened to, and the attention I gave to it. I could choose between
white bread and wholemeal. I could take a stroll around the ward at
midnight if I wanted.

Despite it being a scary time with many undignified moments (one word:
catheter), I actually look back on it quite fondly. I can't put this
down to anything other than this mindset of control and attention

So I don't know how much that will help anyone. It's difficult to be
aware of your own attention. But also, something as simple as giving all
your attention to the amount of water you can hold in your palm can mean
the world.

I hope you are all doing okay, that you and those you love are safe and
healthy.